I have used my blog for my different reasons over the years (8 years I believe), but never have I been this real.
This morning I experienced an emotional break through during a workout that I have not felt in years. As many of you know, I recently started my journey with Soul Cycle and as I have mentioned, I love it for many different reasons. But, if I have to pick one, it is for the inspiration the instructors provide. My class this morning was no different.
During the song after arms/weights, the jog, the 3-4 minutes where it is just you and the music, I pushed myself physically; and emotionally. About a minute into the Matchbox 20 song, I shed a few tears and at this moment I was grateful the room was dark. All the frustration that has been building up over the past 5 months finally came out; I began to think about where I am at 33 compared to where I thought I would be. While the path I am currently on parallels my plan there are discrepancies. As Cole wrapped up class, inspiring each of us to be better individuals, better athletes, my mind wondered. I began to think of how I can become a better person, let go of my plan and embrace my current journey.
The majority of social media documents the good moments or days. But as I reflect on 2016 I am reminded of a quote from a movie, Just Married. The dad in the movie tells his son, “You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next.”
The frustration I have been carrying for the past 5 months is mostly my fault; I have failed to be authentic on my blog and social media sites. I have decided that ends today. Over the past 5 months I have experienced extreme disappoint in two separate areas of my life.
1-Five months ago a friendship I thought would never end came to an abrupt end, I am still unsure why. I tried to be a better person than I use to be and repair the damage rather than run away, but there was no reciprocation. While I wish I could say lesson learned, I can say I am grateful for the other friendships this situation has strengthened. I appreciate the understanding I don’t have to always walk away, even if it is easier emotionally. Most of all, I am thankful for the patience and love my wonderful husband has shown me.
2-Three months ago I was laid off from my job in the market research industry. The lay off took me by complete surprise, as it was the opposite of the conversations I had with the owners. But it hit me really hard because I know I am a great employee, loyal to a fault some say, smart, and hard working. Nonetheless, I have been on the conventional job hunt since the end of August. There have been many prospects but nothing perfect. Mostly, my competitors are offered the position(s) over me at a lesser salary. As frustrating as this is, I refuse to try and put a square peg (me) into a round hole (a job). So, here I am educated, hard working, loyal, and out of work (to clarify, I know I am not the only one in this position).
This morning, I was unable to suppress all of these feelings while I tried to pedal faster on a stationary bike. To be honest, the emotional release has given me a since of calmness, understanding, and closure. I know I am not where I planned to be but I whole-heartedly believe I am where I am suppose to be. I am tired of feeling ashamed for not having reached society’s version of success. I am no longer willing to work on someone else’s dream while neglecting my own. It’s time we all give ourselves permission to be. Be happy. Be content. Just be.
Lesson of 2016: Its okay to not be on the path I planned, its more important to enjoy (accept) the path I am on.
I promise to continue this honesty on my social media accounts. I promise not to disappear on the bad days; because we all face bad days and just maybe together the they won’t seem as bad.
2016, you have been a hell of a year, but 2017 I am coming for you.